[[Make me perfect...]]

[DancerInTheMaking]

Well things have been a-changing... I've been restricting more and more but I just keep being tired all the time so it's really hard to keep up with the exercise regime I've set for myself. Still just about managing it, it's just nowhere near as natural as it used to be. I don't want to say "nowhere near as easy" because it wasn't easy in the first place but it's even harder now!... But I'm sticking with it... Just need o get my health back on track and get back to school and the gym!!!
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Well hello y'all!!! Sorry in advance if this doesn't make much sense I'm shattered from spending the day at the hospital so I couldn't exercise and so i've absolutely worn myself out making up for it now!!! Right so things have been pretty good really!..

Oh yes, does anyone know how to make an egg white omelette without putting a ton of fat in the pan? It just keeps sticking to the pan and turns into a disaster... What am I doing wrong???

xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Sooo... Oh yes the good news!!! I came this |...| close to a binge today. And I convinced myself out of it I'm so proud of myself, although gutted that I got so close... I was literally queueing up in the shop (Toys R Us lol) to buy masses and masses of binged food, and I had the money ready and everything and I was REALLY needing to binge (and purge obvs) but for some reason I just went and put everything back and walked out of the store... They were looking at me like I was insane but I'm so happy!
Easter was retty non-eventful in my house, we didn't really do the whole chocolate shebang this year which I'm so grateful for! So yes, that's my bit of happiness today. Although it was weird because I thought I'd feeling really strong for having stopped myself but I just felt like shit for even thinking it. It's like thinking of a binge is almost as bad as doing it. So, apart from the confusing things in my head, things are going well. I'm back on track, and I don't have any distractions now. I have to think about returning to school in a couple of weeks, and I want to go back there and to be skinny like they all are. I can't wait to hit the gym either! I really want to lose at least 1 kilo before I go back to school, I think I can do that without my parents realising
I love it when I get my control back. It's like the happy days when all I thought about was ana before I started b/ping again.
xxx

[Kao]

Great you have your control back! I am still looking for mine. It's gone somewhere during Eastern... damn it!
Uh and congrats about the not-binge-thing! Who cares how they looked at you! You made it!! ^__^ No cravings can give you such a good feeling as being in control feels!

[DancerInTheMaking]

Thanks so much Kao!!! I get strange looks anyway when I buy binge food, especially when it's in major supermarkets and I'm staggering out with TONNES of sweets!
Things will be good this holiday, I just know it. Am being left at home alone a lot more now, especially around meal times so it's so much easier to skip and really cut down the cals.
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Things are still going good, have to go back to the doctors tomorrow though so a little bit worried about that. I've got two weeks before I go back to school and I want to look MUCH better before that. I can lose a good 2 kilos I think if I really put my mind to it. My body is starting to miss the sleep though, the less I eat, the less I sleep. And since I was only at 3 or 4 hours anyway it's a bit fucked up. Today I've just felt so spaced which is so not, like nothing can touch me and I'm literally floating... it's like the drugs without the drugs! I can't wait to get out of being stuck at home so I can have a fag... I miss smoking. I've bought a bag load of chewing gum to get me through though, I find it helps stop me bingeing or eating at all as well. So yes, I was on around 1180 for the day today but I've had about 400 cals of chocolate since then (I know, momentary lapse, but on a different day that would have turned into a full-scale binge). So it could be worse for today. Tomorrow is manic, my mum is going to be in and out all day so plenty of opportunity to get below 1000
Love to y'all
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Right... I'm off in about half an hour to the doctors and hoping he won't weigh me this time... this doctor i'm seeing today doesn't usually but yes, all good. I'm sure I'll update y'all tonight but today has been cool, only 300 cals so far so speak to you later
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

I'm actually panicking at the moment... for the first time i've got down to a 24inch waist and now i have to go down to my grandparents tomorrow and we're going to have a huge family FEAST. Arrrrgh. gottt to xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Gosh long time since i last posted... shucks i feel bad! ANyhoodles, the reason i haven't been on here is that i have felt like absolute shit the past few days, and have been all over the place with ridiculous mood swings and stuff and didn't want to subject all you lovely people to my insanity. no tbh i just couldn't be bothered, and on the days where i'd eaten a bit more than i'd wanted too i was too embarrased to come online.. silly huh?!?
Anyway, not much news. Not in my life anyway. My brother on the other hand has an amazing new gf, a hot social life and rawrrrrr. And I've got nothing. well, I've got this. Great deal there huh? I get to obsess about food, calories, exercise, i get insomnia, all these health problems, no friends, no nothing. UGH just so fed up. Never mind, it'll pass.
I'm just a little stressed because I have to go back to school on wednesday and i was off all last term cos I was and still am ill. I'm SO scared. It's not like it's a new school or anything but becuase I'm repeating the year next year i'll probably have to join classes with the year below and i'm just not ready for the whole thing. It's really stressing me out. I'm sure it'll be fine in the end. RAWR.
Ye so nothign much new here...
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Ugh just had the most horrendous binge day... just all day I didn't stop eating it's so disgusting. Now I just feel so shaky and tired and hyper and everything all in one its insane. So really not good at the moment... part of me really does NOT want to purge and get back into that whole cycle again but I'm freaking out here.
So rawr. I can't be on here atm...
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Wow I feel so bad I've really neglected this journal since the main pro-ana forum bit shut down! To be honest I was so gutted about it I went straight over to the lovely Chani's new site http://livingwithed.yourbb.nl just incase any of you want to join us!
I've been doing awfully. Well not terribly but I haven't lost. I haven't gained substantially either though the last few days I've been stuck in a b/p cycle which I can't seem to drag myself out of. But in 2 days time I have my prom so I'm going to try my absolute best to shift a little bit of what I've gained recently before then. So I'll eat the minimum possible without worrying my parents too much then exercise like a girl possessed (which I guess I am!).
I've had a lot of personal problems recently, my parent's marriage is slowly breaking apart, my friends are moving on without me, I've been set back a year at school due in part to my e.d. (I made myself really really ill earlier this year), and I'm more unhappy than I've ever been.
From now on things will change. I keep saying tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. But it has to be now.
Tomorrow i will eat
B - fruit pot + flax seeds
1/2 bowl cereal
L - 1 sandwich
S - fruit pot + flax seeds
lollipop
D - ?
The new rule is I'm allowed no choice over my dinner. So basically I have to eat one full meal a day which is supervised quite closely. The doctors are also monitoring my weight, but thankfully they're being really stupid and not checking for weights/tanking etc.
Hope you're all well!
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

I need to start up this journal again. If anyone from livingwithed.yourbb.nl comes here what happened???
I'm hideous.
I'm ballooning out of all proportions.
From tomorrow I'm starting again. No, from NOW.
Today I had
B - fruit pot and cereal
L - sandwiches and apple
S - coffee and gum
S2 (wtf) - cereal and biscuits (not quite a binge thank god)
D - lamb, rice, veg, nectarine, TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE. 300 cals of chocolate.
ARGH.....
So tomorrow I'm going to stop this for once and for all.
B- Fruit pot (49)
L- Spicy tuna with lettuce (max 100)
S-
argh got to go....
xxx

[nickytml]

tomorow is a new day!! good luck u can do it!!! believe

[DancerInTheMaking]

Tody was shaping up to be a really good day.
But now it's all gone horribly wrong. I saw some photo shoot photos of one of my best friends and she looks so gorgeous and skinny. She's always been beautiful and I know I can get as skinny as I want but I'll never be beautiful like she is.
Then my mum made some joke about my weight and eating habits infront of my whole family, then I found out I'm being dragged down to see the rest of my family tomorrow and they always have a go at me and I've been roped into going swimming this evening and it's all too much.
They are the things I hate most of all, family, people making fun of me, and swimming, and it's all come at once.
So I binged. 1000 cals. 600 of which was biscuits.
I'l go on the dance mats for 2 hours when everyone goes out to the cinema and it's chicken for dinner so I can get away with under 500.
But I feel so sick, it's taking so much not to purge right now but I might have to go to the doctors on monday and they can tell can't they.
I've got a film screening to go to on sunday and there might be press and stuff there, and I'm going to look so hideous.
Everything is just building up on top of me at the moment and it's driving me insane.
I feel like I've gained about 10lbs already.
ARGH.
I'm really worried because I'm home alone for 3 hours and I'm so scared I'm going to binge. I mean really binge, like 3000 or 4000 cals. I know I can purge if I'm home alone but I can't with seeing the docs next week.
I'm terrified about going away, I don't know what's happening and I'm so scared of what's happening to me. I used to eat, enjoy it, and not worry. That was years ago admittedly but part of me wants to go back there. I was even ore hideously fat then but I was HAPPY. I haven't been happy for years, I don't know if I can remember what it feels like.
I've been kicked off a dance qualification course for next year because of my weight loss and illness problems. I might get stopped from teaching. I can't do this any more.
Part of me says "It's only 1000 cals stop being such an idiot, you can easily work off 500-600, and your BMR is around 1300 so stop being a fucking freak." But it doesn't work like that does it? The moment I put food in my mouth this morning I wanted to curl up and die.
I took too many pills last night as well. I was fed up of feeling and wanted to be numb. Not a major OD obviously cos I'm still here aren't I...I'm always here. I just wanted to feel something but feel nothing. I want to live again, not in this strange half-life.
I want to never eat again, the thought of food makes me sick. but then I go and binge and it's just so out of control.
I haven't slept properly in weeks I feel absolutely shattered.
I just can't face going swimming tonight I feel huge enough as it is and if anyone says anything about my weight I'll just die. 1 hour and 20 minutes until people leave for the cinema... then I'm free to exercise my FAT ASS off.
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

I've just b/ped.
I don't even know what's going on anymore.
I used to be so in control.
I hate this b/p part of me, I don't know where it's come from, I just want it to go away.
I only have 1 week and 2 days to get my life and head back on track.
I can't do it.
I want to give up i really just want to stop fighting.
My best friend doesn't believe that I have an e.d. She doesn't know about the purging. She just thinks I was in a dieting phase and now I have just started eating again - typical yo-yo dieting. I wish. I really want to tell her about the purging. I need to tell someone.
This is driving me insane.
Today I've had
B- Fruit pot and cereal (100cals total)
S- 3 ginger biscuits (210)
L - 1 roll, 1/2 can tuna w tomato and herbs, lettuce, apple (250)
S- (binge) 8 biscuits, 1/2 box cereal (400+560)
1520.
I purged almost all of the snack/binge but I still count it.
I've done 1 and 1/2 hours on dance mats (250 approx) (it said 300 but I don't believe it)
So that takes it to 1270. Apparently my BMR is around 1300.
So still dinner to go and then swimming =[
I'm going to look so fat.
I took some quick photos and I am HUGE.
It's shocked it into me so much.
Another hour and a bit till family get home.
I can't actually cope.
There's no one I can talk to.
I have to do family things tomorrow.
I don't have the energy.
I have to burn all I eat for dinner in the pool.
I can't do this any more.
Why can't I just fast like I used to?
WHY?
xxx