[[Make me perfect...]]

[ThinMint06]

seriously, chica. chill out. okay, so you had a bad day. we've all been there. start fresh-- get a positive attitude. you CAN do this!! i know you can and as for the ppl knowing, just be cool about it. calm and collected. if someone tells you you look skinnier just act confused. what are you talking about?? i just ate my weight in... whatever with my mom... you know? don't bring attention to yourself. stay busy. you'll do fine.
hang in there

[DancerInTheMaking]

Thanks huni... things are getting back on track now.. still got a couple of days till school starts again so I'm just putting that out of my mind for now and concentrating on today... Things will be fine. Tis good... And thanks to this run of concerts I'm doing I'm out of the house at dinner time for the next week! So time for some seriuos weight loss then! I think I've gained back pretty much everything I lost during my week awway but I've done it before so I can do it again. Positive attitude kicking in! Thanks sooo much
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

OK last "day-of-three-meals" was today. It went ok. Except I got into a fight with one of my friends who knows about my e.d. ... except now, because I do hide it well, and don't we all, has decided to believe that I don't have an e.d... which is actually really hurtful. I mean, I poured out my heart and soul to her and what? is she calling me a liar? i don't know. it was almost like I had to justify my e.d. to her. But then I just realised how stupid that was. I've got two friends left now. Cept neither of them talk to me. Oh bugger.
Anyways, on to happier things. Food. Hahaha... Tomorrow this is the plan. Not terribly low-cal, but I'm still at home for all morning till about 3.
So.

Breakfast - Allow 200 kcals.
Cereal - 100 kcals
Rice cakes - 3 - 51 kcals

Lunch -
2 pitta - 304 kcals
salad / fillings - 200 kcals

NO DINNER WOOOO!

So total for tomorrow of about 750 kcals? Fab. Allowance for the day shall be 800 so I can have a rice cake or two in the evening... or if my friends get tetchy.

So I'm mega excited. Then The next 4 days iei mon-thurs will be similar but lunch will be around 100 kcals.
WOOOOO!

Bad news. It has got round my whole school that I passed out in Sicily. Oh shit. Mega mega mega stress. So I binged today. Not too bad though, only binged on rice cakes. But still mega shit. And I can't purge atm because of building work and stuff its just not possible... So I know I've gained. but tonight I shall do my normal of dancing before my parents go to bed, then crunches, leg raises and shizzle after. I'm sharing their room atm cos of the building work. But yes.

Really don't know what to do about my friend. Oh bother. I really don't need any more stress.
xxx
Replies anyone?
xxx

[ThinMint06]

sweetie, it's not that you're a liar but think of the image she expects. so of course you aren't 70lbs and in a hospital bed... but that doesn't make you a liar by any means. if you feel ok telling her about everything, then go for it and if not then keep it on the down low.
good luck with your restricting love. you'll do great

[DancerInTheMaking]

Well I guess that problem has been solved for me. We're not talking now. None of them will talk to me at all I don't know what they've been saying but I just want to keep my distance from them they know too much and I just want to be able to do this without them on my back. This week has been dire. I've started purging again which is awful, but no big binges which I guess is quite good. I've lost everyone though. When I started I was able to keep people near me but not so near they knew but now I've just pushed everyone away and I feel like an awful person. I've not been able to restrict because really don't want to crash at a concert where I've been put in a position of real responsibility. So not too awful though, about 1400 today, which I guess could be worse. I just feel so alone though. I want someone to hug me right now and say... nothing really. I don't want to hear anything nice. School is awful, I can't concentrate, I just either want to cry or just get out of there. So things are just awful at the moment and I'm so scared I'm going to slip back into b/ping. I have a docs appointment on monday where I'm going to be weighed and I don't know what to expect. My scale puts me at aout 49kg but it might be different there and if that scale puts me higher I think I might cry. But if it does put me at 49 or lower, I'll be in so much trouble. I need to be 51kg... according to them. It's not a good weight for me. Nothing is. I just want to disappear. I really can't handle this at the moment.
By the way, thanks to ThinMint... it's really great hearing from you and you always give great advice!
Love to you all, please leave a comment or something. I guess we all need to stick together.
xxx

[LadyBird]

Hi there,

I just wanted to pop in to say hi. I'm so sorry to hear about all you're going through; it's so hard to have to keep secrets from others, I think we all know this, all you want to do is be thin, but it's so hard to get there, especially with people on your back about it. But I think that you should try to talk to your friends- they just don't get it, and are probably really frustrated, but if you talk to them and tell them you just want to hang out with them, they will probably be really happy to hear from you. Hang in there, sweetie, and stay healthy, fainting is not something to be taken lightly. Take care.

[DancerInTheMaking]

Thanks huni... this is why I love this website so much, we can tell the truth on here and don't have to hide and worry about what everyone will think. I don't have the strength to talk to them at the moment. They'll see i t for themselves soon enough, then theyll see how wrong they were. I just need to make sure I pass this weigh-in on Monday then I can lose without worrying about doctors. But too be honest, I need this now more than ever. Everything is going ever so slightly wrong. I'm losing everyone around me and I'm failing at school which is SO unlike me, and even my dancing is taking a really rubbish turn. I just need to let it all out sometime soon, and hopefully that'll be with someone who won't tell the world. Sometimes I just need to speak things aloud... It seems more real and scary when I say it for some reason...
Anyway, huge huge thanks... I love you all.
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Soooo... twas the dreaded doctors appointment today. I put on as many jumpers as I could get away with and drank quite a lot before I went and... I FOOLED THE SCALE! Of course I have no idea now what my true weight is cos I used to kind of rely on those scales... Only bad news is that I have to go back in a year and sooner if there is any weight loss. Oh I'm royally screwed. I'm still forging on with the plan though, hit the gym and really cut back, the way I used to. It will be so much easier now I'm not stressing about doctors.
Other news... not much has been going on really. I had a sudden realisation the other day that my senior prom will be coming up, not soon, but in the next year. So I NEED to lose for that. It's nice to have something to aim for. Also Christmas. I DO NOT want to gain over xmas. I just want to lose actually.. XD Twill be good.
Seriuos positive vibes going round. Now I know I can fool the doctor's scale I've got so much more strength. So happy days for me!
School is kinda shitty though cos no one will talk to me. =[
That makes me sad...
Oh well. I've got bigger things to worry about than them.
xxx

[ThinMint06]

dont borrow trouble. take what comes to you. your friends will come around and if they don't are they really your friends???? no.
<3 lub you chica!!
hang in there stay positive you will lose of xmas!!

[DancerInTheMaking]

loveee you too ThinMint!!! Seriuosly cool girlie XD
Haha... things have been going pretty well so far! Had bout 200 kcals for breakfast cos my mum was around, then a black coffee and pepsi max at school, about 300 when i got home again cos of my mum, and dinner I can probs get away with about 500/600. And tonight I have 2 hours of dance, and then i'll do the normal exercise stuff when they think i'm in bed.
So all is going well on the first day, the annoying mood swings haven't hit in yet, and I haven't b/ped or felt the need to at all so everything is fab. Thank you guys for all your support so far!
Love you allllll!
xxx

[LadyBird]

good to hear you're doing well, sweetie!! take care of yourself, just be aware that 2 hours of dance plus working out afterward can really exhaust you, you don't want to pass out! eating breakfast in the morning is a good idea, get your metabolism going so you don't start to feel weak!

[DancerInTheMaking]

Heya ladybird XD
Ye, breakfast is one meal I have to have... otherwise my mum would go crrrazy so i normally have something small but you're right, it's good to get the metabolism going...
Gym day tomorrow! I was off school on monday so couldn't have a gym-day then so I've moved it (for this week only) to tomorrow.
Dance went well, lemon water kept me going after our 1/2 way break... that stuff is genious. My last liquid fast I lived on it!
Everything is looking so positive at the moment tis fab.
Hope you guys are all doing really well!
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Well, sorry I haven't updated in a while, but things have been kind of hectic round here. I've been quite ill the past week, not really sure what with, I think it's just general exhaustion, not just to do with my e.d but other stuff as well. So I've been at home for the past 5 days and that means I've had to eat 3 meals a day and snack in the afternoon. So I haven't really been able to restrict and exercise has been cut right down because I literally have not left the house. Luckily I'm better now, so I can go back into school on monday, which is very exciting, and I've got loads coming up to keep me occupied and away from food.
I'm out all day going up to Newcastle on Wednesday which is going to be good, and I'm going by myself which is even better! My mother is INCREDIBLY needy and likes to treat me like I'm 5, even though I'll be 18 in 5 months. So loads of exciting stuff including a show which I've choreographed and taught for which is going to be mega stressful but great fun as well, and normally involves a couple of days of absolute panic and running around like it's the end of the world, which frankly is great for burning calories! I always lose around show time, just because I'm too busy to eat, it was even the same before my e.d started. I've had a couple of people at school on my back recently though so I'm just going to have to be careful.
So... hope all you guys are doing fab out there!!! Feel free to drop in a say hi, you know I love you all!
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Hello all!
Things are going well, had a couple of freak-outs that I've had to hide from people because I've eaten to appease them and stop them bugging me all the time! It's so annoying. More and more people at school have been commenting, and I feel like I should be happy, but it just makes me so angry. It's like I just can't see what theyr saying... but that's a whole other thing by itself! Ummm. Yes, but loads of people have been spreading stuff and I'm just a little worried it'll get make to staff because it;s parent-teacher meetings in a couple of weeks and I'm working so hard at the moment to make up for not having worked much so far but if they mention this my mum will go insane... so. A little stressed about that. Mini show update coming up now.....
The woman in charge is a complete maniac. Seriuosly. She's supposed to be sorting out costumes for me, but she just isn't replying to any of my emails/ I've sent 3 in the last week an 1/2 with really important questions and she just hasn't replied arghhhh. And she hates me. So it's all good. I'll go find her some time.
Tomorrow I'm going to Newcastle for the day... VERY excited. Have to have breakfast at home in the morning and a small dinner but I can do what I want in the middle and I'll finally get the chance to have a couple of cigarettes without people on my back! YESSS! Haha... my one remaining friend is VERY anti-smoking.
Also, just as a last thing, you know when you can tell people are being fake towards you? Well, I know this girl at school is but I don't know whether to front her out or not. I'm just looking for a fight atm tbh, I'm just in that sort of mood. Ohhh well.
Off to do dance now... got to practise!
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Well, quite a long time no update. So, what news. Things aren't really going to well at the moment... well e.d. wise, everything is going well, really wel in fact, but everything else is just falling apart.
School is just not happening, I'm failing all my classes and I have a parent-teacher meeting in about 2 weeks which I jsut got into an arguement with my parents about cos I sort of warned them that I'm not doing so well. I just don't have time to do the homework... once I get my room back I'll be able to work late but atm I can't and I have other things to do in the afternoons / evenings. So thats kinda crap.
Ummm... Tomorrow is going to be awful, I just know it. I have lessons and rehearsals all day and tbh I just want to cry. I think I probably will tomorrow. I think I'm going to have to. HOpefully I'll be able to get away with no one saying anything about my weigt cos I can't be bothered with that right now.
I'm just so pissed off. This takes up every second of my thoughts. Just so fed up of it.
RAWR.
xxx