Never Stop Fighting

[DollyAna]

Don't think i've read Hungerpoint.I'm sure i'd remember?
I've read so many ana books it's unreal.Infact i've just ordered Puppet on a string from ebay, haven't heard any reviews on it but it was cheap, LOL...

[paradox]

I think you'd like Hunger Point, so check it out if you can get your hands on it. It is sad tho'; the anorexic girl dies.

I made it through yesterday and today without binging. I'm taking it one step at a time. Today I have a migraine headache from hell, which helps in that I'm so nauseated I don't even want to think about food.

I need to get on the scale again one of these days. I'm having nightmares about it already.

[paradox]

Today the urge to give in to a run-away binge is nearly killing me.


I tried distracting myself by watching t.v, but that didn't last very long. I have a short attention span to begin with, and I was getting antsy knowing there was no food in the house. I did go through the cupboards, just to remind myself that there was nothing worth binging on. And there wasn't, as per plan.

So then I went for a hike on a nature trail not too far from here. Again to distract myself. I took a book (for thinspo), and a diet Coke and sat and read for a while.

That lasted until now. Now I'm back home and I keep eyeing my car keys b/c I want to head down to the supermarket and get (of all things) Pilsbury orange sweet rolls. They just popped into my head this morning and they won't fucking leave.

I hate myself with a burning passion. I can't be left alone and to my own devices. I swear. The minute I let my mind wander, I'm caught up in a binge mindset again.

Oh, fuck it all.

[paradox]

Another week, much like all the weeks before.

I'm trying to take stock of my life and I don't like the picture that I'm coming up with.

I hate being alone, tho' I know that a big reason why I am alone is because I refuse to let any guy get too close b/c of all my issues with food. I tell myself that if they knew about my problems, they'd leave anyway. I don't know if that's merely a cop-out on my part, or based in reality. Lots of guys I know hate women's issues with their bodies and food. I know I shouldn't make a sweeping generalization, but....

Then I think, would I want to get better if that was the requirement in a relationship? I think not. Or, I'd want to stop obsessing so much, but I'd hate to relinquish the pseudo-control that I still sometimes convince myself that I have. Which we've all determined is bullshit, but nevertheless.

I'm still in limbo deciding what to do with my ex. He's as fucked up as I am, in his own way. He lives out of state, which means we don't see each other and that's probably the reason why we "get along" like we do. He recently asked me if I would consider moving to New Mexico, where he is. And I said no. So I guess that was my answer right there.

Do I constantly self-sabotage myself, my relationships, my life, because I hate myself, or b/c the devil that you know is not as scary as the devil that you don't?

Hmmmm.

Today is going good, food-wise. Maybe b/c I'm too tired to think about eating.

[paradox]

It's finally getting a little cooler out here, weather-wise, but I'm so cold I don't know that that's a good thing. I've been layering even more than usual: long sleeved teeshirt, sweater, sweater coat. Brrrr. I feel like such a moron when everyone else is still in shortsleeves or tank tops and I'm dressed for the middle of winter. But if it's because I don't have as much fat as they do, I'll take it!

Lately, my joints have been hurting really badly, too, especially my knees and elbows, and one of the joints on the ring-finger of my left hand, which is red and swollen as well. I don't know what this is all about. As if my stress fractures and the annoyance they cause aren't enough of a problem. I can't say whether this is related to my ED at all, or just another symptom of something else going on, but it sux

And even tho' I love the look of protruding bones, aren't they a pain in the ass, literally? I guess I'll never feel like my butt is bony enough (and it could stand to lose a bit more of itself...), but I can't rest my elbows or back on anything b/c the bones hurt.

So at least the hurt reminds me that I'm maybe becoming thin.

Stay strong, everybody

I've got to get on the fucking scale. But if it shows that I gained anything, I swear, I'll crawl into a corner and die.

[paradox]

I'm getting into that mode again, where I just don't care what happens, and it's too depressing to think or talk about. What I mean is, I have realized for a long time that I'm kind of in a lose-lose situation.

I hate and dread life as it is now, constantly obsessing about weight and food, and unable to break the spell.

I hate and dread the thought of "recovery" just as much.

I keep telling myself every night that maybe tomorrow will be different, or that I'll have some kind of realization "tomorrow", or will make a decision about whether or not to seek help. But I don't.



And it pains me even more b/c I don't want my family or friends (my ringsworld friends, mainly) to think I don't take your comments or concerns seriously. I so do. But I'm in major denial and I know I have to make the choice to get help or not, and so far it's not.

Thank you everyone for always being there for me, and I'll check in when I can. I'll keep responding to private messages, as well, as those (you know who you are! ) have been a real life saver.

[max]

Hang in there. I relate to much of what you said above, on a daily basis. Hating the cycle and hating the thought of "recovering". It is in a sense it's a lose-lose situtaion and I wish I could come up with some inspiring and uplifting words... or see the brighter side of it(i guess losing weight)...
Best advice I can give it just keep busy. Take on minute at a time... when you panic, feel depressed, anxiety, and overall chitty... try to remember and enjoy the little things. Like take a time out and watch a spider spin a web, take a relaxing walk, play with your cat, stick your head out of a window and breath deep, bubble bath, comic books...

hang in there, and chin up! If anything just know you ARE NOT ALONE.

[paradox]

Just wanted everyone to know I'm still here. No better, for sure. Worse? Maybe. I still hate the daily struggle, still hate myself, still haven't made any decisions to get help.

There are so many other things I should be focusing on, like the struggles of all the people out here where I am in Southern California with the fires. And I do think of all that. But my biggest fear of having to evacuate my apartment (which I luckily haven't had to do, tho' it was looking likely for awhil) has been "if I have to go stay with my sister, how can I consistently starve (or purge)?":

How fucking pathetic. Maybe I am self centered and all that. But the paradox remains: how can I be self-centered if I hate myself so fucking much?

(I haven't updated the ticker...weight seems the same. Clothes fit the same. Body hatred= the same)

[DollyAna]

OMFG!!!! It's been so long since I posted here.
I'm so mega busy with work & personal issues but never a day goes by when I don't think of you, much love darling.xxx

[paradox]

Another year half over, and stlll nothing has changed. I still struggle to the same extent with my eatng disorder. I still loathe myself more every day. I feel like I'll never be free of this. Not ever. I feel old and haggard and worn out and fat and fat and fat and disgusting. I turn 40 years old in 3 months. I can't imagine... No, refuse to imagine carrying this burden for that much longer. Every day is fucking torture. I've gotten to the point where I dread having to take a shower b/c I might accidentally see myself in the mirror. My clothes fit the same as previously...I think I'm stagnated at around the 98 pound mark that I was at before, but that's all meaningless, regardless, because I'm the most disgusting, self indulgent thing that ever lived. Ahhh, hate myself so.

So why do I keep doing it? I know thin is out there. I still pray I can make it one day.