no longer able to purge

[loveriis]

i have to say, i've never thought about stopping purging until today, when i couldn't throw up no matter how far i jammed the toothbrush down my throat. i ate about 400 calories. after thirty minutes of trying, my arms got sore and tired, so i sat on the side of the tub, feeling a horrifying despair, worthlessness, and self disgust. now my throat is burning with bruises and cuts, i can't even swallow water, and yet, still nothing would come out but slimy saliva, i thought of suicide. i wondered if my gag reflex will ever come back; or if there's a chance in hell that i might fight through this shit and go back to my anorexic ways.
just have to say it because i know this is the only place i can actually get some understanding and advise. someone, anyone with bulimic experiences' advise is greatly appreciated.