It's possible!

[Peu importe]

I'm Alex, 22, French (so sorry for my English...). Until 3 years ago I was anorexic but I had no internet access, alone in my hell, and I had never heard about pro-ana. I've read this forum daily for about a week and I recognize myself in a lot of messages, I'm not sure wether it's useful to write my story but if it can help someone...

I've always had big problems with food, since a very early age, I was 9 when I first purged. I had bulimia for about 5 years. I've never understood why I was ill, I didn't care about fashion and models, even about being thin. I know that I am pretty, girls have always been jealous at the swimming pool, I am brainy, I was a gifted child and I skipped 2 years at school. So why?
One day when I was 15, I suddenly felt disgusted by meat and shortly after by food in general and I slowly stopped eating. Then it became important for me to be thin, I wanted to be skinny, I loved that powerful feeling when you're empty, it was great to feel light and free and both strong and fragile at the same time. But my illness (it's been very tough to admit but today I think it is one) was getting very serious. I couldn't eat anything even when I wanted to, because it was awful for me (I was always thinking about fat and it also hurt like hell). I almost couldn't eat at all (big max= 50 calories a day) but I started to use illicit stuff to feel better. In my head the only solution was death. I made 3 suicide attempts and I ended in a house for depressed teenagers. I was 16 and I stayed there a whole year. It was ridiculous, it made feel worst than before. I was really persuaded I was about to die (I wondered if I wanted to be burried or cremated!), in my mind I was already half-dead and I didn't mind, life wasn't worth anything. I can't explain clearly how I felt, it was psychotic. It was as if my friends and family didn't exist, I didn't give a damn about them, I was completely alone. But one day my best friend ever (a very fragile suicidal girl too) came to me, crying, and told me "If you die you will waste all my life, you're not alone in that story, do you really want me to die too?". I don't know why, it kind of awoke something in me and I decided that I wanted to live (but not to get cured). So I ate better and put on weight a little. I left that terrible house and pursued my bloody stupid things outside at a lower stage.

One day I discovered that I was ill, a lung illness, nothing to do with ED and it made me realize how life is precious. When I was suicidal, death appeared differently, it was my will so it seemed to be a good thing, but when it comes from outside, when you want to live and a doctor tells you that you may die, it's the worst of all nightmares. I've been very lucky, it wasn't a serious form and a few months later I was up and about. It made me decide to recover from my ED, to take the most of life and also to eat healthily and not to get any illness because of my food habits.
It's been a very hard struggle but I won. I had to accept to get fater (I took 20 kg) but it really doesn't matter, now I'm in better health. However I'm kind of hypocondriac, I'm afraid of falling ill again, so I take care of everything I do and eat. I stopped smoking, I don't drink too much, I check everything I eat is healthy and balanced.

Today, almost 3 years later, I've lost some kg from my recovery. I lost them very slowly, thanks to sport not to anorexia. I'm 1,68m and 49/50 kg and I think I'm fine like that.
I had to do that diet because of my boyfriend. He is a classical dancer and as he is always surrounded with very beautiful women, I wanted to have a beautiful body too, so that he doesn't think "Wo, that's girl is far better than mine."
I'm not a big eater but I love food and I don't deny it. I eat everything I want up to an amount of 1500 calories a day and I try to run 6 hours a week and to do a little gym (1/4h) every morning. That's enough! Someday I don't eat at all because I still adore that emptiness feeling.
Sometimes I'm afraid I could have ana again, I'm taken care of by my bestfriend. I think it's a good thing to decide when you know someone you can completely rely on. If she ever finds I've lost too much weight she can ask me to weigh myself naked in front of her and if I'm under 47 I asked her to tell my friends, family and doctor that I've got a problem. I did it because I know that I'm not able to see myself as I really am in a mirror, I'll never be thin enough through my eyes. She is my safeguard.

Well, I hope my report isn't too boring. I just want to encourage those who try to recover. You all can do it.

[Lipstick]

im glad you're finally recovering. hopefully i can join you. your english is fantastic too :]x

[AlicetheCamel]

Wow, I never would have guessed that you weren't English. Yours is a beautiful story. Congratulations
xxx