My journey...if you dont mind me intruding?

[laura1981]

Hi, really need somewhere to go about this, been looking on the pro ana section but think i need to get over bulimia before anything.
Ive read all your posts and every single one of you are in the same position, which oddley as it seems, seems nice and comforting. Its hard to chat to my husband and friends, as they really dont know what to say, or when they do, i just wanna strangle them after comments like "dont even know what your going on about, there's nothing wrong with your figure" or "your fine as you are" then I just feel like screaming, "yeah that'd be because I skulk off to the toilet after most meals" so there!ner ner ne ne nerrrrr!
I have confessed once or twice to my husband about my bulimia but he didnt know how to help, so i just let him believe i'd stopped, but really i hadnt.

Started last tuesday on a real proana mission, not a crazy one of 200 kcals, just 700-800 per day, which i know is alot less then you should but felt it was a happy medium, eating nice breakfast, healthy fruit snacks, salads, ect, ect, then mega working out, and my god it worked 5 days in i lost 6llbs, carried on for a couple of days being super good, but weight creeped back, so ending up back around my start weight, so it just sent me over the edge again, so couple of days ago, think it was tuesday I just had 2 bags of crisps and a mars delight, as soon as i got to the gym i was sick, but didnt feel like the whole lot had gone, i was so disappointed i cudnt concentrate on my work out so came home 30 mins later, sent the hubby on a shopping trip to asda, had a 3/4 of a family bag of dorito's, with dip, them half a bag of maltessers, and look where i am back again, yesterday was good in the morning, sick after a cake i had with my sister in law at the garden centre, then ate the rest of the doritos when i got home, then had a donna kebab, today ive just gone over the edge completely, knowing before i even eat the food that i'll be sick, so im fully back to eating to be sick, thats how i always get.
Start off with being good, then slip up, be sick, carry on trying to be good, then go completely over the edge and ate intentially to be sick.
It needs to stop!
I feel my temper shortening through it all too, which i hate, my confidence dips, i snap and think all day about food, hungry or not.

As i looked into the toilet after being sick half an hour ago, my thoat hurt and i thought, just how long can this carry on......

it all started in the run up to my wedding, cant remember when or why i started, but it did, i believed i was in control, not anything else, but know when i look back, how can anybody being sick because they feel guilty about what they just ate be in control? I know now im not in control.
I had been dieting for my wedding, joined the gym, but wanted more results so started being sick, after the odd guilty pleasure, then eventually even healthy stuff, but oddley enough i wouldnt say i lost masses of weight, just about a stone or so. It carried on, on the honeymoon, on and off, put on half a stone but that was ok, then we started trying for a baby and although it was tough, i really took control.
After i had ben, i crash dieted, lost abit, then started back on my bulimia path. Got down from 12 and half to 10 stone, joined the gym, crash dieted in between, but mainly if im honest stook with the sick thing, never madly binged though, it was just after what i class as bad food, you know eating out, ice cream, things you know you shouldnt have, my husband would say "well now your at the gym you can treat yourself" all along me knowing, i couldnt, that the only way this weight stayed off of by being sick.
Got down to 8'9, close to my own personal goal of 8'8(jessica simpson in dukes of hasard) then seemed to stay at 8'12-13, which i could live with as it ment i wasnt having to be sick that much. But because i over exercise i injured my leg, had to have 4 weeks off, and weight crept up to 9'1, and my god i felt it, so that takes me back to last tuesday....which brings me to today.....

think its snapped as a friend at the gym is pro ana, this week, although its because of the stress of losing her dad she's gone from 9 stone to 8'3 and the worst part is, i was jealous? how can any sane adult think like that, she's just lost her dad, and im enveous of her weight loss? This is crazy behaviour.

Im just going to weigh myself to see where i am.......

[laura1981]

well im still at 8'11, which i suppose is a blessing, i could look at the negative that i was 8'9 the other day, but i am putting it down to a blip, thats it thou, im going to try and get on with my day, gonna have a bowl a special k, well i say i am, but im hungry, but feel sick, think i just feel sick with my self, im so disappointed, why do so many of us struggle like this? are all those thin healthy eaters, really secret bingers? because i just struggle to believe that its that easy?
I hate eating good all the time, im constantly hungry and always ready to give in after a couple of days. I wish i had more will power, to be more pro ana, not crazy though, just good at sticking to the rules, thats always the one thing i admire ana's for, they have such strong will powers, wish i had that.

lol
laura

[lovetodance]

hiya
u will find lots of support here coz as u sed we are all in the same position i no wot u mean about feeling comforted about others out there who understand, makes u feel less alone.

i ges some thin healthy eaters are bingers but then there are many that are not - its so hard to tell who does have eating problems coz its not something that one generally chats about in everyday conversations!! i do think tho that because ppl think im a "normal" eater who else that i think is a normal eater is actually not, like if i have these problems then anyone cud.

many hugs xxx

[laura1981]

Thanks lovetodance, at least having one other person out there in the same boat, makes me feel less bothered about it all.
I had friends round over the weekend for dinner, and they always jump in on the bang wagon commening on if i get any thinner i'll look ill, blah blah blah, then my commented on how i know the calorie intake in everything, which she doesnt think is normal, then on top of that my husband jumped in to say that he doesnt know why i worry, that when you go the gym you should be able to eat whatever and lose weight, which is basically wot he does, so coz they all were at me, and because more than anything id had to much to drink, i just blerted out, "well, you think i eat normal, when i have to much and know its fatening i just be sick" it felt god for a milli second, them paniced as knew id rumbled myself, i'll play it down to alcohol if it gets brought up though, managed to conceel my sick yesterday under the cover up of a hung over, which i think kinda worked, but know i'll be thinking the 3rd degree over it all this week as hubby will watch exactly wot i'm eating.
oh the joys of having bulimia ahy????? NOT!

lol and hugs
laura

[lovetodance]

oops!!! hopefully u will be able to pass it off as a joke or something, i hate it wen u feel watched i felt like my parents were watchin me for a wile.

it sounds awful but i totally agree with u wen u sed u wish u were more ana, i no its a mental illness for a lot of ppl and i ges we shudnt be aspiring after an ilness BUT i want to be ana so bad, i mean not really skeletonly thin but just to be able to really not like food, genuinely not like it wud be such a relief. i have managed 10 days keeping under 1000 cals and then today i completely blew it, it leaves u with so much regret and unhappiness doesnt it? right now i just wanna curl up in a ball and cry then sleep till im thin or something!!!

just out of interest have u ever gone to get professional help? i dont rly no wot to do.

xxx

[laura1981]

Hi Hun,
no went for help, and was told that it wasnt serious enough as at the time i was "selective bulimic" so never bothered after that, since then it just got out of hand!
Having a good day today though, although if i confess i had a mental day yesterday. Think its coz i weighed myself and i'd gone back up to 9'1, so thought, sod it, went out and bought a tub of half baked ice cream, intending to eat half then be sick and save the rest till after tea to do the same, but eat the lot in one go, probably within 5 mins, and have to admit, felt great, but dont know if you watched it too, but on bbc3 last the "make me a size 0" thing at 9pm, that actually inspired me again, so really trying to give ana a chance, its hard though as i constantly think, "oh sod it, i'll be sick" its easier! but today so far ive had small bowl of special k, juice, diet coke, handful of my sons chips, another small bowl of special k, then a few marsh mellows, so wreckon no more than 450 kcals, gonna have a salad for tea, but best of all got back into my walking, walked for 5 hours, how mad, so wreckon gotta have used about 800 kcals on that, not going the gym tonight so it was a bloody good job too, but will do a load of sit ups later to compensate.

Hey you've done great on your 1000 kcal mission, ignore your bad day, think in the grand scheme off it all you've done 10 good days to one bad, so write that day off and carry on, come on dont give up, you can do it, tell you what we'll do it together ahy?

We have to promise to tell the truth about everything we've ate and what every exercise we've done and we'll keep a good track of it on here, what do you think?
Know i could do with the support!

Chin up kidda, stick at it!

Loadsa love
laura

[lovetodance]

that has just made me REALLY angry those stupid stupid ppl for not giving u help. i went to a psychiatrist which i felt was a bit extreme (i dont purge that often) but i didnt like her at all and so i havent gone again!

WOW yes i did watch that programme lol im actually really surprised she stuk to it so well, i ges she had professional help tho - it wud be amazing to have a personal trainer

all that walking - u must have burnt a fair few great job and u havent eaten much either i have had a great day - 5 cherry tomatoes, celery and just now basically a whole lettuce and half a cucumber with soy sauce on haha how weird!! i dont normally restrict this much but after yesterday i needed to coz i never purge it all, after a wile it hurts too much so i stop.

good plan on writing wot we eat, i will do it wen i can get on the computer!

[Miss Maladroite]

Hi, folks

Listen, I know that with any topic, we go off-track and that there are all sorts of subjects that intertwine throughout the theme, but I'm seeing this thread going into the direction of pro-ana behavior and I think I need to gently remind everything that this is 1) a recovery room and 2) it's for bulimics. (yes I know it often goes hand-in-hand, that is not the problem)

You're free to post in any area you want, going back and forth as often as you like, so try to keep your restrictictive diets chat in the pro-ana forums and the recovery chat and it's related subject matter here. When you start to list your diets and it becomes the purpose of the post, then the intent changes.

I can't move this thread because the OP(original post) was meant to be for Recovery. It would not be right for me to drop her post because the conversation had drifted too far.

Thanks,

Miss Maladroite, forums Moderator

[lovetodance]

i see ur point miss maladriote, no more talk of restricting here!

i realised tonte as well that if i want to get better i have got to stop restricting and striving to be thin, thats soo hard tho

xxx